Impavid



For the first time in a long time when I wake up, I get up instantly. When my feet touch the floor, despite the coldness of the wood and the darkness surrounding the world outside my window, I feel incredibly like I am home and everything feels right. I shower, washing off the unhappiness of the last few days and preparing myself for the first Christmas. I wrap my brothers presents and excitedly await their arrival.

I am in school for the morning and then I am watching the little one's nativity play. Sometimes when I'm with them it is easy to forget they are only aged five but at some moments it is incredibly obvious and it makes me laugh. On Sunday one of the girls came to see santa while I was in my elf costume and the next day she asked me in an almost hopeless way if I believed in santa claus. When I told her I did, her eyes lit up and she said whispered quietly ‘I do too’. 

Around them I feel like an adult but suddenly something snaps in my mind. Suddenly I remember this is my youth and this is the young me I will remember when I am old and longing. These are all memories I will tell my children and grandchildren and myself. I never want to forget these little moments. 

We have an assembly in school and they tell us we only have 70 days left of school. Suddenly I realise how scared I am to leave all this behind. I have so little time until I leave but India feels so far away yet. Support for me varies but the people who support me do so so wholeheartedly and it brightens my day. When the teacher was explaining it to the little ones she used a phrase I hadn't even thought of 'giving up a whole year of her life to volunteer' it doesn't seem like that at all. I feel like this is something I must do. I'm 45% of the way there in regards to fundraising and somehow that means I'm on track. If any future volunteers happen to be reading this in future: You are so going to make it and when you realise that it will be great. 

Then again, sometimes fundraising is soul destroying and I cannot be bothered at all. We have a sale in school of all the cakes not used at the coffee morning and no one is buying. I make about £56.60 over two days and I just have to keep reminding myself that it is £56.60 I didn't have before and that I am £56.60 closer to India. I know I am disheartened and my disappointment is so obvious mum buys me chocolate as a treat to try and cheer my spirits. My friends are all getting more offers back from universities and I am still in the dark. 

Then I am on the subway in Glasgow, cradling my bag in my lap and holding my five pence bags tightly so they don't fall. When I come up onto the street the daylight is gone. The sun has been setting early these days and by now it is completely dark. Glasgow at christmastime is the brightest thing I've ever seen. It was only an hour or so ago and I can still see it, burning like an exploding city. There are giant reindeer and lights that look like ceilings and skaters and everyone look happy. My brothers arrive on Friday and we'll have an early Christmas on Saturday. I am so excited. 




Comments

  1. Totally understand!

    Have a great weekend,
    Kate @ majesticgoldenrose.weebly.com

    ReplyDelete

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