Until I Saw The City
Nothing feels the same as it did before. My relationships with people have shifted, and this week I feel like I'm constantly aware of just how much is different. Just how much has changed. I am seeing things through different eyes now. Monday brings with it an overwhelming feeling of peace. I'm working and reading with the little ones and they're all for cuddles, and I have about six pairs of arms around me. As I leave one of them tells me he loves me and the ones around him say it too. I am so touched, taken by how innocently they love. I leave thinking how much I've learned from them, more perhaps than they've learned from me. That night mum and dad drive me into the city to re-shoot the photos from last week that didn't turn out. When we arrive I'm nervous because there's other people on the bridge this time, people with big cameras and fancy lenses and as we near the bridge I'm terrified I'll just look stupid among them, the beginner with absolutely no idea what I'm doing.
But it's in that moment that the star I saw from the car and told my mama was was my guardian angel seems to shine on us a little. One of the fancy photographers gets up and asks if he can help me. He helps me set up the camera and adjust the settings and manages to resolve the problem I'm having effortlessly. I get much better photos and even though the sky is dark, the world has never seemed so bright. I thank him from the bottom of my heart when he goes.
As the week goes on I'm starting to feel brighter. My brothers are home and their support and love surrounds me and I find myself laughing every day. We have a heart to heart and he says to me, "you grew up with boys- we'll always tell you straight to your face, fight you and get over it; girls don't tend do that, girls will tell everyone but you what the matter is." I realise how true that is to so many of my relationships. We are joking around with mum and making dinner together again and having family nights and I can't explain how much I love having them around me.
I'm writing and writing but I still feel so far away from where I need to be. I scold myself for taking so many essay based subjects, no matter how much I love them. I have a meeting in Park Circus on Saturday morning so I take my camera and wander through Kelvingrove Park when it's over and have lunch with mum in the cafe that's seen some of the funniest nights and early mornings I've ever had. I recount the morning of the wedding to her, when Leah, her sisters and I were all dolled up and sat at the very spot we're sitting in stuffing ourselves with a massive veggie breakfast. Thinking about it makes me laugh. I seem to be laughing a lot more again lately. The weather is beautiful and strangers are in the mood for random conversations and in the park people are doing so many things that I wish I had the time to sit and just watch them. I watch friends hanging out, little kids playing with their dog, girls walking on tightropes and a guy climbing a tree.
I realise I want to surround myself with people that do things. That go out and live life, instead of just letting it pass them by. I go out with my friends and at the end of the night we're so busy taking pictures of the sky that we miss the last train. We go for midnight hot chocolate and end up talking till dawn, recounting old stories or stupid things we used to do. Its crazy how many memories you forget about when you're busy making new ones.We talk about how all the ridiculous things we've done will probably all just be myths one day when no one is around to tell the stories first hand anymore. Already those moments seem worlds away.
photo credit: me. I couldn't use this one because the little chef was out of focus but I liked it anyway!