One thing that's been consistently passing through my mind these past few weeks is the thought of change. I’ve been thinking about change a lot lately. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s my impending move to India and the way that idea somehow fell into my mind and suddenly became a reality. Maybe it’s how everything seems to be shifting and spiralling back and becoming new. Maybe because for the first time in my life, I’m really learning to be happy without someone to love.
Or maybe it’s because I’m embracing what I’ve always feared the most—that nothing will ever stay the same. I feel very off balanced right now. I'm caught between where I was and where I'm going, and it's strange to be in this limbo of a place; trying to fit in but not wanting to get too comfortable. I'm making friends at summer school and yet I won't be starting university with them in September. I'm listening to my friends make plans and I'm realising I won't be there when these plans come into being. I'm noticing myself changing rapidly, especially since I turned 18.
I've not turned into some crazy drinking, partying all night girl if that's what you're wondering, but more in terms of style and I guess I'm just a little lost. I look in the mirror and I smile at how I look, how I feel and yet I can't help but notice that what I'm wearing is completely different to something I would wear even a couple of months ago. Am I just growing up? I honestly don't know.
It’s strange because when I go back to the earliest entries on A Portrait Of Youth, to my sixteen year old self, it's sort of like a tribute to who I once was. Baby me, too young, too naive, too caught up in love. I’m still that person but I’ve developed so much as a writer that this blog always takes me aback when I read through it. I’m proud that I wrote it, I’m proud that it was so widely read and yet I’m also very proud that I’ve changed. This life I'm living was only a distant pipedream to that girl, and I can't believe how far I've come. How much I've grown. I can only thank you from the bottom of my heart if you're one of the people who has stuck by me since the very beginning. I appreciate it more than I could ever express to you.
I'm beginning to have my mini meltdowns about my impending move. I'm still incredibly excited of course but I just have so much to think about right now, and so so much to do that I'm a little overwhelmed by everything. Summer school ending means a lot of work, and then I'm immediately off to training on Coll. More and more these days I find myself crying over silly things, and within seconds I'm laughing because I know I'm being silly. I act so tough normally, but these days my heart is in my palm and my emotions worn fresh on my sleeve. Yet the inspiration to write flows the more tangled my mind grows. I’m the feeling of emptiness when you thought there was one more step at the top of the stairs. I think I'm just crazy, really.
On the loneliest days, I waste all my time in the mundane. I stop in between changing trains to get chai at 2pm. Not because I need the chai particularly, but because I need the conversation with the man behind the counter. He asks all the same questions, but he still asks every time. Day off? never. Any plans? always. I’m sure he thinks I’m a mess or maybe just a romanticised wreck with my messy hair, and my oversized tee-shirt. When I get home I collapse into a heap for as long as possible before I manage to ruse myself into doing all I need to do. I talk to my granny’s voicemails and send my brother in London photos of daft things I see online.
My eldest brother comes home for a holiday and suddenly my house is full again. He has a new puppy, Milou, who is five months old and the cutest & most loving dog you'll ever see. I'm spending so much time with the people I love most in the world and I'm so happy. Even with all the stress of summer school and preparing for training I am incredibly relaxed for the first time in a while. In English class things are winding down and we make collages from magazine cut outs. I'm feeling more creative again and after so long discussing ideas I realise I should do it more often. I have a lot of posts in my drafts I've been wary of posting but eventually I realise I cannot live in fear of what people might say.
I find it pretty great, that even with all this stress and finding myself up to my ears in work, I can still manage to smile on a unexpectedly sunny Thursday. And that I can notice the temperature slowly climbing into summer. Things are never as bad as they seem.