I'll Not Give Up On You (Even When We're Miles and Miles and Miles and Miles Apart)
Sometimes I feel as if I don't know you at all. As if, despite everything we've been through, we could so easily be strangers.
Life does that to people. And it hurts. It hurts because our friendship was so strong, or maybe all we had was the illusion of strength. If I was to describe our friendship I would call it a jenga tower. Always teetering on the edge of falling. Someone always pulling away, never wanting the other to know everything or fill in the gaps we left while building ourselves up.
We’re at a crossroads now, a turning point, a shift that has pulled our lives in two separate directions and I’m standing here, at the top of our jenga tower, looking at the incredible fall down.
I’m scared. I’ll admit it.
I feel the chasm between us growing, pulling us farther and farther away, and I’m powerless to stop it.
We used to be so close, so consistent.
You were late night phone calls, shopping trips, long journeys, and deep talks for hours, our feet up on the kitchen table, a bowl of junk food between us, and the sounds of summer blowing through the open window.
You were the one who stood by me in every situation where I felt small. You encouraged me in my faith, but taught me to always challenge it. You shook me when I was being stupid, helped me to laugh until I was unafraid. You always knew what I needed before I did, and you were never afraid to tell me.
I miss your honesty, like a bruise in my side, but a bruise I can't help but touch. A reminder of what I’ve pushed through, and what I continue to fight against. Because we've not spoken in months now and every time I go to text you I have no idea what to say.
I miss your laugh, and how you always found something to smile about. I miss the way you’d get fired up over the smallest things, the little drama, and the way we’d talk about it and always end up laughing.
I don't know what happened. What was said or not said. What convinced you I wasn't worth your time anymore. I don't know what changed your mind back. What made you think of me. Curiosity, perhaps. Maybe something deeper. Whatever it is, I don't need to know unless you want you to tell me.
I always believed that friendship is resilient. That in the changes, we would still find comfort on one another’s shoulders. Maybe I was wrong to think that in our separate lives, we would find common ground. But I know one thing—I’m never giving up on us.
Friendship to me, is like love, but perhaps even deeper.
You love someone emotionally. You love them with your mind. You love them with your being.
You fit them into your life, into the spaces, into the cracks that they somehow glue together again. I don’t care how long it’s been since I’ve heard your voice on the other line of the telephone or how many texts you haven’t yet responded to. I don’t care what part of the world you’re living in, or if you don’t want to see my face anymore.
All I care about is at the end of the day, you know that you’ll still be a part of my soul.
So I’m not leaving. I’m staying right here, fighting to keep us close and reminding you of how far we’ve travelled. You will always matter to me, always be the ground I stand on, always be the light that guides me through.
And I’ll forever be that for you, in whatever journey you take.
Even if it’s a journey that leads you away from me.
And even if we’re miles apart, even if there are aeons of thoughts and memories between us—I always will be. This I promise you. I will superglue our jenga tower before I ever let it fall and fill the gaps with love for everything you are. Be strong. Be resilient. Be brave.
Because I will never give up on you.