I'm Sorry, But I Can't Stay
One day, when I look back on my teenage years, I'm going to have to accept that I am the very definition of an unreliable narrator. I write pretty much everything in the first person, and rarely include the opinions of other people. I tell all, but only from one perspective. After all, this is my blog. I am under no obligation to tell the story from another angle or include every detail.
I write about boys, friends, heartbreak, drama, life. But I don't write about everything. I don't tell you about the people I hurt. The people I leave behind. Whose hearts I break. It's more or less a rule of mine, if I lived by such things.
But today, I'm breaking that rule. This is an open letter to one of those people.
I’m sorry that it has to be like this. That I am a girl with wandering feet and a heart too full to stay in one place. I’m sorry that I cannot be one you need right now, and that even though I care about you, I must chase my dreams first.
If you care about me as much as you claim to, as much as your actions show you too, then you need to let me go, let me wander, let me chase my dreams.
You need to let me make my own choices, my own decisions, my own plans. There is something pulling me, a driving force that I can’t quite explain, even when I try. It’s like there’s this bigger part of me that knows better, that knows as happy as I am right now, I still need to wander. I need to throw my life off balance; I need to discover something that I haven’t yet.
I need to go. I need to change. I need to chase these dreams. And you need to let me leave. This isn’t about you, but what’s buried in my heart. This is about my life and how I must grow beyond these boundaries, beyond these walls, beyond this city. I need to step outside of what I’ve known and learn who I am when I’m somewhere new, when I’m forced to face my fears and decide, for myself, what I want.
I can’t promise you I’ll come back to you, I can’t promise forevers, I can’t promise anything but the next steps I will take. Neither can you. You cannot promise you will feel the same, and I do not want to make you feel obliged to do so. And I know these steps I'm taking will take me in the opposite direction from you. I am sorry about that.
Please know that this isn’t your fault, that there isn’t a single thing you could have done to change my mind, that this has nothing to do with you, really. This was the dream so big, I used to be terrified to speak it aloud. Now it's reality, and I am just in a place of angst right now, of longing, of youth. I need to be free from promises I can’t keep, from relationships I can’t be bound to, and from lives that are not my own.
I need to do this for me.
And I need you to let me.