Saying Goodbye To You // A Poem
I’ll say goodbye like I don’t mean it,
Because that’s how we all handle things, don’t we?
Pretending that they aren’t real,
Pretending that they’re temporary,
Pretending that this is all a joke and tomorrow
We will wake up like nothing ever happened.
I’ll say goodbye like it doesn’t matter,
Like I’ll see you tomorrow,
Like this isn’t really goodbye at all.
I’ll say it casually, with your arm
Over my shoulder and with a little laugh
Escaping my lips.
We won’t think much of it.
We’ll soon forget.
I’ll say goodbye slowly,
Starting with my hands in yours and
Our eyes connected. I will whisper it,
So quiet it’s barely audible, just so
That you can see my lips move and know
That I’m speaking the truth,
Even if I hardly make a sound.
I will draw out the syllables,
Make a word that’s hardly recognisable,
So maybe, just maybe, it won’t have to be real.
I’ll say goodbye with my eyes,
As they look deeply into yours as I speak,
Taking in the specks of colour,
The way they appear glossed over,
In an effort not to cry. I will hold your gaze
Like those staring contests we used to do as kids,
Trying so desperately to not blink, to not break.
I will use my eyes to say
What my mouth cannot,
This isn’t forever, right?
I’ll say goodbye in silence,
Each tear running down my face
Like a promise of my love. I’ll hold you
In my arms, a hug that makes it feel like
The inner layer of my heart is cracking
Right down the middle.
You’ll say it back,
And we’ll nod
Like this is a good thing, like this is right,
Even though we’re not even sure
what that means anymore.
I’ll say goodbye when I’m all alone,
When I’m by myself in my new room,
Surrounded by four empty walls,
I’ll let it out. I’ll sob like a baby.
I’ll let my tears fill the silence,
Let them run down my face.
I’ll let my mind wander across the ocean
And up the road to our house and imagine
What you’re doing, if you’re thinking of me
Or trying to block it all out.
I will say goodbye in ways
I could never say to your face.
In ways that sound permanent.
I’ll say goodbye in pieces.
After all, I won't be gone for long.
Soon I'll be home again, searching
For your face in a crowded arrivals lounge.
I know I'm ready to leave.
I know the bagpack is on my back
And all my suitcases are packed,
But you should know,
I'll never be ready to leave you.
I'll say 'see you later' not goodbye,
Because this isn't really goodbye.
There might be oceans between us,
Hours and seconds and minutes and days,
But we both know we'll still skype on Tuesdays
And an email can reach me faster than you.
Because it's not really goodbye,
not when you put the good in it.
I won't say goodbye to you at all, my darling,
because really; how could I ever say goodbye to you?