I Miss You More At Christmas // A Poem






I miss you.
.
.
.
I miss your soft touches, 
Accompanied by a lingering 
Memory, of that aftershave you always wore,
Surprisingly suited to you, even though it smelt
Of Christmas. Of cinnamon and orange and
Roasted chestnuts, without the open fire. You'd
Run a mile at Christmastime, telling everyone of
Your dislike for consumerism and X-mas.
I'd hang the lights, blast the carols and
Light candles that supposedly smelled of
Icicles, and we'd laugh at how
Everything could have a smell in this
Digital age. Even frozen water. Imagine.


It was the one with the scent so 
Musky. So strong it would stay
In the air even after I blew it out. 
Soft and lingering, like your hands, resting on the 
Small of my back. I miss the way
You’d search my face for answers, checking I was
Okay; those deep brown eyes shining brighter than stars and your
Unkempt hair falling over them gently. 

I don’t like living with regrets; spending
My life thinking about what might-have-been. 
I never have. I always like to believe what happened 
Surely, happened for a purpose. But
Sometimes I wonder if I messed up with you. 
You know, if I could have just one, just
One more chance, I think I’d go back and rewrite our pages. The
Upsetting memories causing blots in the page. 

I’d smooth out the crinkles, let
My hand trace over your handwriting, rubbing out the smudges.
I'd retrace over the lines, long since faded. Christmas
Songs on repeat, I’d pick up my favorite pen and 
Slowly, I’d let the words flow through me. Stories of
Your bright smile and never-ending laugh. 
Of your kind spirit and giving heart. I'd write about us. 
Underneath the lines : I love you. Let’s start over.
I'd write those simple words, and hope that if you ever remember 
Me, then you'd read over our story and find them written there. 
I could have one more chance, 
Somehow, I’d forgive us for all the ways we failed each other. And I’d 
Stop wondering whether or not we’d make it, but just love 
You, just fall into you, just give you everything I have. If I had just
One more chance, I’d love you a little harder this time around.
Undo the mistakes we made before. 
I think I was hesitant. I think, when I 
Met you I never knew what we could become. 
I think I was scared. Or maybe just young. 
Somehow, you knew too much of my heart already, and 
So it was easier to put distance between 
You and I, because I didn’t want to be that known.
Or maybe I’m just lying to myself. Maybe we were imperfect and 
Understandably, never meant to be more than what we are right now.

Apart, so many miles and years between us. And 
Now I’m sitting here wondering about a future we’ll never have, a future we 
Don’t have. At least, not together. But if 

I’m being honest, I don’t believe that. Not at all. 
And I know that if I could see you again, I’d probably
Marry you. Have the future we once dreamed about. I'd
Squeeze you in my arms until you begged me to let you go. Jump 
Onto your back and kiss you on that spot between your shoulder blades 
Rushing to know you again. Wondering if it would still drive you crazy.
Reach up and kiss you on the lips, without questioning, without wondering how 
You might react. 

If I could restart our story, I
Would start it at Christmas. Maybe New Year, when I’d love you harder. 
I’d kiss you more. I’d surrender my heart when things got messy. Say how much
Love I have for you and tell you to stay when you 
Looked back at me, like you once did,  one foot out the door. 
And maybe then we’d both realise what we’ve been missing all this time.
Like that, I’d give you everything. And I wouldn’t say no this time,
When you wanted to give me everything right back. I’d love like this was 
All the time we had, like our love was all I’d ever known. I'd look at 
You like I knew, without a doubt, that we were meant to be together.
Somewhere in my heart I still believe that. I always will.
Lights surrounding me, I pinkie promise you this, 
Okay? If I had one more chance, I wouldn’t let you go. We'd have
Veggie Christmas dinner like it was our first time, as if
Everything I am, didn't begin with you. With
Your beliefs about Christmas and the correct way to
Open presents. My ripped paper beside your folded creases. Yet
Underneath it all, I'm glad you helped me find my best bits.


I just wonder if you saw me, 
if we crossed one another’s paths this Christmas, 
if some fate or God or circumstance brought us back together again, 
if you'd feel the same.

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