I Can't Anymore
Seven years I've been a blogger. Seven years I've seen the blogosphere change. The biggest change of all? The day I realised people weren't posting as much about their daily lives anymore - no, now it was the age of beauty and fashion and lifestyle and other such blogs.
As someone who's focus had always been on her life; I didn't understand that change at first. I just kept on, writing little journals and ocassionally, when I felt the urge, I'd dip my toes into political or ethical issues I cared about. For seven years, that's been my approach to blogging. Throughout it; I've been sharing more and more little snippets of my life. I've seen a little community begin to grow. Friendships have been made, lives have been shared and I've watched people drop by just to see what I've been up too. That community has always been so kind, so supportive, so inspiring that it would melt my heart every time. So many of you have supported me endlessly that I couldn't possibly put my gratitude into words. You've watched me grow up and helped me become someone I am proud to be. You've given me advice and shared your own experiences. I've never felt more supported in my life. I want you to know that.
Yet, increasingly over the past year, I've seen another group of people emerge into this community. People to whom my life has become something to judge, to pass comment on, to question. Sometimes it feels like there’s hundreds of people pressed against the glass, smudging it with their fingers. Everyone has an opinion and although the majority are lovely and supportive, not all of them are. It's not just my current live choices, but ones I made when I was 15, 16 and 17. I find myself having to ignore emails about past friendships, relationships and that insignificant thought I had two years ago.
I can't. I can't do that anymore. I can't wake up to any more emails quizzing me about my life choices in such a negative way. I have posts written that go unshared as I find myself doubting all that I write down these days. Sometimes it feels like I'm living two separate lives and I can't explain how hard that can be. I want to keep sharing my life, but I'm not sure how best to do that anymore. How to find that balance.
I’ve always been afraid of what other people think. I worry about sharing my perspective because I don’t want people to think less of me, to disagree with me or start an argument with me. I know I’ve written about things that people don’t always agree with. I shy away from certain topics a lot, just to sort of save myself from that anger, to cover up the fear and anxiousness I get when I read a comment or email from someone who just doesn’t agree with what I have to say. I try not to let those things bother me, since at the end of the day, no one will always agree with me 100%. We all have different views because that's human nature.
But this, this is different. It’s more than that. This is my life.
That post? It was written three years ago and I hadn't read or thought about it until you misquoted it back to me asking about the connotations of that sentence.That boy I still get emails asking about? He's moved on and has a new girl to love. That old friend? She lives halfway around the world and we don't speak much these days.
So, after a lot of thought, I've chosen to unpublish certain old posts of mine, at least for now. I'm not the girl I was back in 2014, 2015 or even 2016. I'm growing and changing every single day, and I realise now that my blog must reflect that. Those people, those stories will remain where they belong - in my private journals, memories of a time long since past. If ever a time comes where I feel like I must republish them, then I will do so.
Obviously, I want this space to be a portrait of my youth. While old friends, a sixteen year olds views and former loves are a part of that; for now, they will be left out of the narrative. I hope you understand.